Well, now we know exactly what all those omens, signs, and messages were about.
The work – practical, social, magical, and individual – of building the world to come continues. We could say it’s entered a new phase; a lot of folks are newly awake, aware, and engaging with the work (some for the first time). I’ll take that as a hopeful sign. Sometimes we really do have to hit rock bottom in order for a problem to be addressed. And lawsy, we have quite a problem.
Others have written far more eloquently and with a more informed perspective about coping with the election outcome and next steps. One of the pieces of guidance coming up over and over and over again involves getting plugged in to community. And it’s a great idea! We are stronger together, always. Communities are incredible: they enable resource sharing, organization, interpersonal connection, transformation and so much more. Also, this is one area I know pretty well, and along with being amazing, communities have some challenges that go with them. If you’re getting plugged in for the first time, or for the first time in a while, there are some things it can be helpful to know when it comes to joining a community.
1) Humans gonna human. It can be so easy to romanticize a community, particularly when you first connect with one that shares your values.That Shiny New Friends energy does wear off, though, and you’re left with people who are…well…people. Everyone you encounter is imperfect and balancing a host of challenges that you may not be aware of. Everyone you encounter has a mix of communication styles and coping mechanisms that may or may not be constructive. One of the most beautiful and most challenging aspects of community work is that it brings us to our learning edges. It brings us to places of discomfort. This is a good thing. (Note that I’m not talking about abusers and predators here – that’s further down the list – we’re talking about normal interpersonal friction right now.) If we do not learn to manage the annoyances and frustrations of dealing with people on our own side, who share values and goals with us, we’re going to have a hell of a time when it comes to folks who are entrenched in opposition to us. Allow yourself to sit with discomfort when you encounter it. Allow people to be annoying, to be imperfect, to be gloriously flawed humans. Discomfort won’t kill you, as it turns out. And, it has a lot to teach you. By letting humans be human, you stand a chance at learning to cooperate with people you may not personally like. It’s an incredible skill to have and perspective to cultivate. We’re going to need all of us – all of us flawed, wonderful, difficult, complicated wonders of humanity.
I’m going to add an additional thought here because it needs to be said, particularly of Pagan community: we need to stop eating our own. We are colleagues, not competition. The purity testing and pedestaling of leaders and impossible standards must cease if we’re going to survive. The way to do that is to have a good understanding of your deepest values and your true red lines. Everything that falls between those two polarities that makes you uncomfortable? It’s just discomfort. Just someone who’s different than you. Let them be. Breathe. Focus on the work. The work is the important part. Friction that isn’t touching a red line is just a distraction.
2) Listen first. I have seen so many people roll in hot to a community with Great and Important Plans in tow only to experience disappointment when they weren’t immediately taken up. Yes, we are so glad to have you, but you are joining an existing polyculture. Every community is a living ecosystem of different moving parts. If you try to drop a new gear into that pattern it may simply fall through the existing web of connection. Start simply by learning about the polyculture. Who are the people at the center? How does communication flow? What are the cultural norms? What areas could use some help? Become involved in existing projects. Show up for a while. Make some friends. Let the polyculture figure out that you’re safe first. Listen. Observe. Go gently.
3) Join an existing team. Somewhat related to the point above, use your energy and enthusiasm to support an existing effort. You do not need to reinvent the wheel here – there are so many good organizations already working to create positive change in the world. Rather than starting something new, add your energy to an effort that already exists. Think of groups and action organizations as buses and choose the one that’s going the closest to your desired destination. By working together with people on a goal, all the wonderful social benefits of community happen more quickly. The overwhelming majority of my close friends became close friends because we were working on a project together. Pick a bus, hop on. Maybe somewhere down the line you drive your own bus, but start by supporting the ones that are already running. Bonus points for supporting organizations and initiatives with BIPOC and/or LGBTQAI+ leadership.
4) Community work is a long game. I am one of the people in leadership of a large, thriving Unitarian Universalist Pagan community. Our rituals and events routinely draw upwards of 100 people. The team of folks who create those rituals and events is larger than most Pagan groups by itself. However, when I first became involved with my community, we were lucky to have 10 people show up for an event. It has taken more than a decade to grow my community to where it is now. Community building takes time, patience, and reliable, consistent tending. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Pace yourself and understand that when you commit to something, it may take months or even years to see that effort blossom. To use a gardening analogy, community work is planting a grove of fruit trees, not a bed of zinnias. Take the long view and approach your work as a long term investment.
5) Know the true red flags. Both general red flags and your personal ones. We all have lines we do not and will not cross. Likewise, there are some good lists of general red flags in terms of avoiding cults of personality and toxic groups. In any group you join, find out what the procedure is for reporting threats and problem behavior. And, understand the difference between someone you don’t like and someone who is actually a threat. Those are not the same thing.
And one bonus thought, just for those of you in Pagan leadership. Not all of you need to hear this, but enough do that I’m going to write it out: the time for tolerating broken stairs in our communities is over. It has been over for some time. Learn to have uncomfortable conversations. There are books and courses on communications skills, how to be assertive without being aggressive, how to resolve conflicts, and more. Learn how to call out problem behavior the first time it happens. Develop a plan for what to do when someone reports antisocial behavior and what to do when you discover a predator in your midst. The paradox of tolerance applies to us as well, and if we allow both sharks and seals into our communities, eventually only sharks remain. Your community needs you to create a safe container so they can work, grow, heal, and connect. If you do not have the skills to manage broken stairs and interpersonal conflict, get those skills. As soon as possible.
So, those are my guidelines. What are yours? If you’ve been working in community for a while, what would you say to someone who’s plugging in for the first time? Hit me up in the comments. You never know when your thoughts are exactly what another witch needs to read.
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